God in the Struggle

I found this lovely sermon by Maren Sonstegard-Spray from First Presbyterian Church in Winchester, Virginia: "Struggle and Change," on the topic of the presence of God "in the dark." So often, when we do the work of identifying family generational patterns, we find ourselves pressed up against the Wall of darkness and pain that Peter Scazzero describes in his book. Sonstegard-Spray speaks to how our moments of emotional darkness often surface in those vulnerable moments of literal, physical darkness, when we are quiet and alone. 

Awake, in the dark, I can tell you that I am not alone.  In the dark I wrestle my small worries and big fears, in the dark I meet good memories and painful regrets, in the dark old wounds are opened up again, in the dark I make lists of should dos and should have dones. 

Fortunately, awake, in the dark, there is also prayer and God.

Fortunately. ...And also: 

...we get a different picture of God’s character in the dark night of the soul.  There God is in the struggle and is the struggle.  There God doesn’t give easy answers, but God is still there. 

When God gives Jacob a new name, Israel, the beauty of the Hebrew is that it can read as “the one who struggles with God” or “God struggles.”

Family Genogram Resources & Peter Scazzero Sermon Links

Check out this free resource on the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality website: Genogram Your Family: 

This FREE resource includes a downloadable Genogram Your Family worksheet along with a video training from Emotionally Healthy Skills 2.0.

Also, if you'd like to check out sermons by Peter Scazzero, several are available on the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality website here: http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/tools/sermons/.

Breaking Generational Cycles and Patterns

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality gives us a jumping-off point for discussing and thinking about how to break the generational patterns that hold us captive. The foremost tool presented by Peter Scazzero in chapter 4 is the genogram, which is a type of family tree that focuses on relationship and behavior patterns. The genogram helps to bring the patterns into our awareness so that we can do the work of changing them. Scazerro mentions in the final paragraphs of chapter 4 the importance of not doing all the work alone:

"Going back in order to go forward is something we must do in the context of community - with mature friends, a mentor, spiritual director, counselor or therapist."

Significantly, the tools Scazzero mentions are the very things supported by research: becoming aware of the patterns, finding support, and getting help when necessary. From an abstract online regarding a study of Breaking the Intergenerational Transmission of Child Abuse: 

Non-abusers have several factors in common. For instance: they have extensive emotional and social support from significant others. They are aware of what happened to them as children and are openly angry about their abuse. And many of them received (psycho)therapy as adolescents or young adults. 

And here's a very forthright article from Psychology Today by psychiatrist David Allen about finding that healthy place of differentiation where we deal with family problems, rather than cutting people off, telling them off, stuffing it down: "Stop Running Away From Your Family Problems." I especially appreciate his honesty about the difficulty of facing the truth about our families...and his encouragement that we can do it:

When you talk about the relationships that make you depressed and anxious, there is no way to avoid temporarily feeling even more depressed and more anxious. I wish I knew a way around that, but I do not. I do know that most of you can take it. You are more resilient than you think.

Many similar tools for breaking generational cycles are repeated in this article: 8 Steps to Break a Cycle of Family Dysfunction by Tim Sanford, a professional counselor and Christian. I especially love Step 8, which is such an exhale of relief after reading up on the pain of dealing with unhealthy generational patterns:

8. Be patient with yourself and others. Patience is one of the functional ways of dealing with the world.

"But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts" (Psalm 103:17, emphasis added).

You're not condemned to repeat how your parents parented. You don't have to be a 25-year veteran of healthy living before you pass functional relationship patterns on to the next generation. All you need to be is one step ahead of where they are.

It takes one generation to turn the tide from God's punishment to one of God's love being passed down. That's all — just one. Start here. Start now. It's never too late to move from dysfunction to function. Never.

Beth Moore on Generational Sin

In light of our conversation this past week about the family patterns come down through the generations, I thought I'd pass on this article by a familiar voice, Beth Moore: "Is There a Generational Curse for Sin?" From the article:

Exodus 20:5 says, "You shall not bow down to [idols] or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me."

The word punishing in this verse proves a stumbling block for some people. The King James Version translates this as visiting, which is more reflective of the original Hebrew word paqadh, meaning to inspect, review, number, deposit, or visit in the sense of making a call. It's also used for taking a census.

 Click the title of the article above to read the whole thing.