Breaking Generational Cycles and Patterns

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality gives us a jumping-off point for discussing and thinking about how to break the generational patterns that hold us captive. The foremost tool presented by Peter Scazzero in chapter 4 is the genogram, which is a type of family tree that focuses on relationship and behavior patterns. The genogram helps to bring the patterns into our awareness so that we can do the work of changing them. Scazerro mentions in the final paragraphs of chapter 4 the importance of not doing all the work alone:

"Going back in order to go forward is something we must do in the context of community - with mature friends, a mentor, spiritual director, counselor or therapist."

Significantly, the tools Scazzero mentions are the very things supported by research: becoming aware of the patterns, finding support, and getting help when necessary. From an abstract online regarding a study of Breaking the Intergenerational Transmission of Child Abuse: 

Non-abusers have several factors in common. For instance: they have extensive emotional and social support from significant others. They are aware of what happened to them as children and are openly angry about their abuse. And many of them received (psycho)therapy as adolescents or young adults. 

And here's a very forthright article from Psychology Today by psychiatrist David Allen about finding that healthy place of differentiation where we deal with family problems, rather than cutting people off, telling them off, stuffing it down: "Stop Running Away From Your Family Problems." I especially appreciate his honesty about the difficulty of facing the truth about our families...and his encouragement that we can do it:

When you talk about the relationships that make you depressed and anxious, there is no way to avoid temporarily feeling even more depressed and more anxious. I wish I knew a way around that, but I do not. I do know that most of you can take it. You are more resilient than you think.

Many similar tools for breaking generational cycles are repeated in this article: 8 Steps to Break a Cycle of Family Dysfunction by Tim Sanford, a professional counselor and Christian. I especially love Step 8, which is such an exhale of relief after reading up on the pain of dealing with unhealthy generational patterns:

8. Be patient with yourself and others. Patience is one of the functional ways of dealing with the world.

"But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts" (Psalm 103:17, emphasis added).

You're not condemned to repeat how your parents parented. You don't have to be a 25-year veteran of healthy living before you pass functional relationship patterns on to the next generation. All you need to be is one step ahead of where they are.

It takes one generation to turn the tide from God's punishment to one of God's love being passed down. That's all — just one. Start here. Start now. It's never too late to move from dysfunction to function. Never.